Awake and Alive
by CarvingKnife
Summary: Renji has been trying to hold back his feelings in an awful way. After an accident during training sheds light on his condition, it's under Unohana's orders that someone watch over him. What happens when the object of his affections is given the task? M for later chapters. Slow burn ByaRen.
1. Suffocating

**A/N: New Years resolution: start writing again.**

**I'm sorry for a few things. 1. This is going to start out depressing. 2. I cannot guarantee that updates will be regular. 3. Apparently, I decided that Renji is not capable of retaining consciousness. **

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Bleach. Tite Kubo does. I just toy with the characters a bit.**

Renji Abarai felt like he was suffocating. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling these days, and he had discovered a simple way to treat it. Simple, but self-destructive.

After a few days, the blade began to discolor, the blood staining what was once shining metal. He only vaguely remembered how he had started this ritual, running this dirty knife across a thigh, under his arms, places that no one would readily notice.

It had started with that suffocation, the feeling that his chest was being compressed a bit too tightly. The red-head couldn't recall how long he had dealt with it, just the day he had decided to seek some advice from possibly one of the worse beings to ask, yet one of the only ones he could trust with his thoughts. Zabimaru.

* * *

Renji fidgeted where he sat, Zanpakuto nestled in his lap, and breathing deeply before closing his eyes and entering his inner world. He imagined deep forests of green, the thick wall of trees broken by a clearing in which the brush turned to sand underfoot before leading to the clear water of a large spring. Falls splashed against sharp rocks on the opposite side of the glittering water, creating foam and churning the mud. Renji opened his eyes to find himself in that place he had imagined, the nue he had come to see standing on a rock beside him.

"What do you need?" the baboon asked.

Renji paused for a moment, trying to gather his racing thoughts. What was he supposed to say?

"Never mind that!" the snake head chimed in before its master could collect what he wanted to ask. "We know why you're here."

"Do you?" the lieutenant sighed in relief. Maybe he didn't have to ask. The nue nodded, turning to direct Renji's attention to the sky.

"You are full of inner turmoil," he said, and it was true. His skies have never looked so grey, so cloudy and dim. The water of his spring rose and fell mercilessly, as if a giant beast were thrashing about below the surface. Renji shivered from the chill. His forest was usually so much warmer, too.

"It's all because of _him,_ isn't it?" Snakey hissed, snapping at the air. The tattooed man nodded, knowing full well who _he_ was.

Byakuya Kuchiki. Captain, noble, cold, beautiful, irresistible, and utterly unreachable.

Renji could feel his heart wrench at the thought. As if falling in love with a superior wasn't bad enough, it just _had_ to be _him_.

"We can give you no advice except what you do not want to hear," the baboon sighed. "Either confront him or drop this silly game entirely. We do not need such distractions."

"I can't just drop it!" Renji cried, burying his face in his hands. "And I can't face him. I'm less than dirt compared to Byakuya. A stray dog. Nothin' more."

"Quit bein' a baby!" the serpent sneered. "Man up, and tell the bastard how ya feel!"

_I knew this was a bad idea,_ Renji thought, closing his eyes and tearing himself away from thick green foliage and returning to his small apartment.

Zabimaru vibrated in his hands, slipping through his fingers and slicing into his arm. The blade clattered to the floor and the shinigami reached for his damaged apendage as his sword took form beside him, shedding the image of the nue for that of the woman and child.

Renji barely noticed the intruders as he focused on the blood running across his flesh. His mind went blank as a rush of endorphins swam to his head, numbing the pain and banishing all thoughts of his amorous feelings for his captain.

"If you are less than dirt," Chimpette murmured, taking Renji by the arm and smearing the blood with her fingers. Her master looked up at her as his vision grew foggy and her image began to blur. "Then why is it that you're blood is the same scarlet red as your holier-than thou Taichou?"

It was then that everything went dark.

* * *

Renji didn't do it to feel the pain. He did it to allow those endorphins to rush through his body, erasing the conflict from his head. Only then could he go through his day with a measure of confidence around Byakuya.

The knife sliced through his skin again, lacerating the flesh from his inner thigh. He needed to keep these marks hidden while they healed. Renji had no clue how he would explain them to anyone who managed to catch a glimpse of them, so he had been careful that it would never happen. Who was going to see such an intimate place?

"You're being ridiculous."

The red-head closed his eyes to focus on the wounds he caused himself, ignoring the familiar voice of his Zanpakuto standing before him.

"He's not going to listen," the serpent child scoffed.

"Renji, you cut too deeply today," the deep voice of the woman remarked, doing nothing to hide the worry in her tone.

_Shit_. Renji grimaced when he realized that she was right. The blood flowed freely down his leg, dripping in a small pool at his feet. This was going to hurt a bit during the day, but it was nothing that he couldn't handle. After all, he had been through much worse. Doing his best to staunch the bleeding, the lieutenant bandaged up his thigh before leaving to begin his workday.

"I told ya he wasn't going to listen," Snakey said as the door to Renji's apartment closed.

"This might be all my fault," Chimpette replied. "I should never have cut him that day. I thought I was making a point, but I just made things worse."

"Of course it's all your fault!" the child cut in, lashing out at the older woman.

"I have an idea on how to fix this," she said, holding her chin in her hand in thought, "but it's not going to be easy."

"Oh?"

"I think it's time we gave Sen a visit."

* * *

Renji felt uncomfortable. No matter how he shifted in his seat, the sharp pain in his leg made him aware of the deep wounds he had carved into his thigh. The blood seeped through the bandage, making his flesh feel sticky and wet. He only hoped that it would not soak through to his clothing.

"Abarai?"

The sixth division lieutenant flinched. "Y-yes, Taichou?"

Byakuya stared back at him, brush poised over an unsigned form, with his usual stone expression. "Are you alright? You seem to be quite fidgety."

"Er, yeah, I'm good," Renji replied, shifting his weight and holding back a sharp hiss of pain as he nudged one of the deeper cuts. "Jus' a little antsy is all."

The noble seemed to contemplate something for a moment before setting his brush aside and standing. "Perhaps it might be beneficial if we sparred. It has been a while, and I believe you need to get out of the office, lest you wear out the furniture with your restlessness."

_Oh, shit_, Renji gulped. A sparring match was not what he wanted right now. The pain in his leg was going to affect his reaction time and even his flash step, but he couldn't just say no when it was in his nature to accept the offer without any thought. Even now, he could feel Byakuya's eyes on him, waiting patiently for the answer he expected.

"Yeah, sure thing, Taichou," the tattooed man managed with a forced grin.

* * *

"Not good," Renji murmured to himself as he held Zabimaru in front of him. Byakuya had not even drawn his sword yet, but the larger man was already trying not to panic.

_Stop this. You don't have to go through with this with your injuries, _Zabimaru implored from in his head.

_And what am I supposed to say? I did this to myself? And my Taichou might be the cause? _ Renji snapped, grasping the hilt tighter.

_Yes! That's exactly what you should say!_

_I-I can't, _Zabimaru's master flinched at the defeated sound of his own voice in his head. It wasn't like him to let the way he felt hold him back. It used to be that his emotions would drive him forward, even if the goal seemed. . . unobtainable. The stoic man standing before him didn't feel simply unobtainable to Renji. Byakuya was the moon.

_And I am the dirt. Not even worthy of being the monkey that stands to admire such a beautiful force._

There was silence in his inner world for a moment. Silence that was soon broken by Zabimaru's two heads speaking in unison.

_Forgive us for this, Renji._

The redhead had no time to think on those words before Byakuya whispered the phrase of his sword's release and a flurry of pink petals rained down upon him. Renji lifted his sword, calling out Zabimaru's name to release his Shikai and block the impending blades, but Zabimaru didn't change. The sword in his hand remained a sword, though it suddenly felt heavier. Renji's eyes grew wide as he felt the first few petals rip into his arms. Blood began to drip down to his fingertips and the volatile lieutenant fell to his knees. He looked up as the clouds of pink finally dissipated, revealing his dark-haired captain, brows slightly knit together in worry as he walked towards his injured subordinate.

_We're sorry,_ was the last thing he heard before the world went dark.

* * *

"Ni-sama!"

Byakuya looked up from where he stood in the fourth division infirmary. Shinigami shuffled around him as if it was odd for such a high standing officer to be standing in the waiting room. According to the surprised look on Rukia's face, it may well have been.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here."

Byakuya nodded, not entirely sure how to explain his presence. He wasn't even positive that he knew what happened out on the training grounds. It was as if his lieutenant had just given up. Even so, he felt that he was partially to blame for Renji's injuries, and he meant to assure himself that the man was alright.

Accepting her brother's silence, Rukia slide into place beside him, trying not to fidget as they both waited for the verdict on the red-head's health.

It wasn't long before they were approached by Unohana herself. "Good evening," she said with a smile. "You two are here for the sixth division Fuku-taichou, am I correct?"

"Y-yes," the short Kuchiki answered. Byakuya just frowned. The fact that Unohana had taken charge of Renji's care did not bode well.

"There is something, perhaps a bit personal for Renji, that I must discuss with you two. I am assuming that you are closest to him?"

"Yes," the raven-haired man answered automatically, falling into step behind his fellow captain as she led them down the hall.

"I am afraid that the wounds from the accident during training were not the only injuries that Abarai Fuku-taichou was suffering from," Unohana explained as she ushered them into a room, that smile still gracing her features. Renji lay unconscious on the bed in the middle of the room, and Byakuya found himself relieved to discover that his breath was coming out in deep, even puffs as if he were merely sleeping. Rukia immediately placed herself at his bedside, slipping a large, calloused hand into her own.

"What do you mean they were not the only injuries?" the noble questioned, eyes never leaving his subordinate. Renji seemed to be perfectly fine aside from being unconscious.

"Well, the injuries he suffered from Senbonzakura were superficial and would not have caused him to lose consciousness, but while we were healing him, we discovered a few. . . self-inflicted wounds on his inner thighs." By the time she had finished explaining, the female captain's smile had disappeared, and was replaced by a motherly concern.

Byakuya remained silent, confused by her meaning. Self-inflicted? That didn't make any sense.

"Are you saying that. . . he cut himself?" Rukia finally spoke up, her expression fluctuating between concern over her best friend and anger that he would do something so stupid.

"Yes, I am saying exactly that," Unohana replied, her voice sympathetic. "It seems as if he had been doing it for a while. There are some scars from previous incidents, and it is also a possibility that the object that he used was not clean as there is a serious infection spreading from the most recent wounds. We were not able to fully close these lacerations, lest we miss some of the infection and trap it inside his leg. Even after that is dealt with, and the wounds closed, there will be some visible scarring."

"Such things are of no concern to me," Byakuya cut in, keeping his voice low and calm. "What does concern me is why my Fuku-taichou did this to himself."

"That is something else that we need to discuss," the medic smiled once more. "Due to the special circumstances, we cannot discharge Abarai until he is placed in the care of someone who would be able to help him get through whatever it is that has been troubling him to this extent. I had hoped Rukia Kuchiki would be the one to take him in."

"I-I can't," the petite shinigami said, looking away dejectedly. "I'm scheduled to return to Karakura town tomorrow. It would take a while to send in the request forms for a replacement, and by then I would already be there."

Rukia squeezed the rough hand in hers tightly, glancing back at her oldest friend's still body. She brushed a lock of red out of Renji's face, and Byakuya did not miss the sadness in her eyes.

_In a way, this is your fault_, a muffled voice echoed in his head.

_Had you pulled back when I had urged you to, this would not have happened, Senbonzakura_, the pale captain replied, remembering the sad sight of his subordinate allowing the flurry of petals to come at him, the slight feeling of betrayal as his sword ripped through Renji's skin and clothing despite the commands from his master calling him back. _There is no excuse for your insubordination._

_In time, I hope that you will realize that that is not what I mean when I say that this is your fault._

Byakuya quirked an eyebrow, questioning his Zanpakuto's meaning, but he received no answer. Finally bringing himself back to the conversation with Rukia and Unohana, the noble made a decision.

"I will care for him."


	2. Dreaming

**A/N: Sorry this story is moving along so slowly. Thanks for all of the support, reviews, faves, and alerts! I was blown away when I finally got around to checking my E-mail. This one is another setup chapter, so it might be a bit boring, but things will def take off in the next one! I'll try to get it out as quickly as possible!**

**Thanks for reading and being super sweet!**

Renji was sitting at his desk, feeling horrible and depressed when Byakuya dropped the heavy cloak on his head.

"What's this?" the volatile man questioned, tugging on the thick fabric until it slid into his lap.

"You may call it a gift, Abarai Fuku-taichou," Byakuya answered, walking back to his own desk to start on the late damage reports. When Renji did nothing but stare at him quizzically, the captain looked up, gently placing his chin in his gloved hands. "I have given one to Rukia as well. The sands of Hueco Mundo can be treacherous at times. It is best to wear a thick cloak to keep the dust from burying you alive."

Renji blinked, fingering the tan cloth and fixing his superior with a blank stare.

"Do you understand, Abarai?"

A light clicked on in the lieutenant's head, and slowly, Renji nodded, taking the cloak in his hands and heading for the door. "Thank you for the gift. I'll be sure to put it someplace safe, where it can be of use," he said, taking off before he could fully cross the threshold.

_Really, Taichou. Thank you so much._

* * *

"Ugh, just a few more," Renji mumbled as he reached for another blank form. His stomach rumbled violently, sending sharp pains to eat away at his insides. Man, was he starving.

With a sigh, the red-head glanced over at his captain's empty desk. Byakuya had already left for lunch, finishing his stack of documents a little after noon. Renji ran a hand through his hair, pulling off the bandana and stopping to rub at his eyes. He regretted letting his paperwork pile up so much, but the urge to slack off was just too much for him some days.

Now, he had to pay for it. He knew from the moment that he had rushed in to work late, shouting the usual apologies, and Byakuya had simply given his paperwork a pointed look, stating that he had better finish all of it before he left, that he was going to be in for a long night. A long night with no time for breaks. No breaks meant no lunch, and the lieutenant had forgotten to pick something up for breakfast.

Renji sighed, scrawling out the information the form asked for and trying to ignore his protesting stomach. He didn't notice when the door slid open, nor when Byakuya quietly walked in, placing a chair beside his fiery lieutenant's desk. Suddenly, the smell of food hit his nostrils and Renji jumped.

"I have come to the conclusion that you are unable to function properly without sustenance," the noble stated, placing a box on the desk and reaching for a few of the files that had yet to be finished.

Renji stared at his raven-haired superior in shock. Byakuya paid the awestruck man no mind and began to help fill out the overflowing paperwork.

His hunger getting the best of him, Renji opened the box and an excited grin appeared on his face.

_Taiyaki! Wait, but Taichou hates taiyaki,_ the tattooed man thought, wasting no time in tasting his favorite snack. _He must've had it made special for me. . ._ He glanced back up at Byakuya, sitting across from him in a small chair from the hallway and working diligently with that usual stone expression, only it didn't look as hard as he remembered it. Renji had seen that look a few times, but had never been able to place it. It was almost. . . serene.

The red-head decided that he rather liked that look on his captain's face.

"Thank you, Taichou."

He wasn't sure, but Renji swore that he saw a hint of a smile as his heart skipped a beat.

* * *

"Damn, why does he get ta have all the fun?"

Renji turned his head to discover the captain of the eleventh division towering over him, zanpakuto slung over his shoulder. Not that the red head was surprised, even he could feel that man's reiatsu from a mile away. Chuckling, Renji drew his attention back to Byakuya as he sent out another wave of pink to tear apart the last few Gillian with a flick of his wrists.

"Tough luck. We were the first responders and Kuchiki Taichou said he could deal with them on his own."

"Che, guess it doesn' matter. I wouldn't have even broken a sweat with these small fry," Kenpachi growled, glancing over at his fellow captain. "Lookit him. Prancin' around like a dainty princess. He probably needs the practice."

Renji just chuckled, tilting his head to the side and never taking his eyes off of the magnificent display in front of him. "Yeah, he really is beautiful, isn't he?"

There was a silence, a slight pause in the air, before Kenpachi threw his head back, a laughter escaping his throat that sent chills down the lieutenant's spine. Smoke began to billow from the eleventh division captain's mouth, surrounding Kenpachi in a gray haze and causing Renji to jump back.

"Beautiful, huh?"

Renji raised a tattooed brow as the haze drifted away, replacing his former captain with the pink-haired half of his zanpakuto. Thick foliage brushed up against his calves, and the fiery lieutenant was not surprised to find himself standing near the spring within his inner world.

"You do realize now that this is a dream, right?" Zabimaru questioned, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Yeah, I had a feelin'. Everythin' seemed so familiar up until now," Renji 's face fell as he thought back to the flashes that he had witnessed within this dream. Flashes of moments that made him fall even deeper in love with the man that would forever remain out of reach. Even after the incident on Sokyoku Hill, Renji could not help but observe this man that he had already studied for so long. He began to see through the coldness that Byakuya put forth as a mask. He found a subtle kindness and compassion that he had overlooked before. That coupled with the beauty within his captain's movements, in his face, in his words. . . Renji never stood a chance.

"I think that you have been asleep for long enough," the baboon's deep voice pulled the male shinigami from his thoughts, confusion crossing his face as she took a step closer. The smoke from before returned, picking up and whipping around as if from a vicious wind. It consumed everything from his inner world – the trees, the spring, the stones – and seemed to center from the woman who now stood before him, reaching out to grab his shoulders.

"Everything, from the moment you wake up," she whispered, leaning in close so that he could feel her breath on his skin, "Has the potential to change what you think you know. Use it wisely."

Renji closed his eyes, a feeling of weightlessness taking over him, making him feel drunk. The puffs of breath on his cheeks felt warm, and his eyes fluttered open so that he could question his sword's puzzling words. What he found instead made his words die in his throat.

"Byakuya. . ."

Steel eyes stared back at him, so close to him that their noses nearly touched. Renji froze as the noble inched closer, pressing those soft lips against his own, only confirming to the crimson haired man that this was indeed a dream.

Regardless, Renji could not help but sigh into this delusion. He could feel himself burning, dying, melting. It was too good, and he felt helpless as the sensation drifted away and he fell once more into darkness.

* * *

_How on earth did I end up here of all places? _Renji questioned himself for what felt like the hundredth time. It seemed as if the couple of hours after he regained consciousness were just another dream. It felt real enough, and he definitely felt the kick to the shin that Rukia had given him the moment she knew that he was okay, but as he thought back to what happened after he woke, he started to wonder how the situation had gone this far.

_"As soon as you finish filling out these forms," Captain Unohana smiled, dumping a pile of paper into his lap. "You will be discharged into Kuchiki-san's care."_

_"What? Why can't I jus' go home?" Renji replied, frowning at the questions on the medical forms._

_"Renji, we know that you've been. . . hurting yourself. . . and Unohana Taichou thinks that it's best you aren't alone for a while," Rukia answered, her words causing the red head to pause, eyes growing wide as he realized that the pain in his thighs had gone down to a dull throb. How could he have forgotten about that? And now, his captain knew. How was he going to explain?_

_At a loss for words, a whispered, "Oh," was all that he could manage before he forced his hand to move the brush resting in his fingers, finishing the rest of the forms in silence as his inner world clouded over in anxiety._

_Nothing more was said on the matter as Unohana took the paperwork away, handing the red head a small bundle, explaining that it was a salve and extra bandages for his legs. Renji simply nodded, holding the package tightly as he followed the Kuchiki siblings out of the Fourth Division._

"Hellooo? Renji? Are you even listening to me?"

"Huh?" the lieutenant questioned, snapping out of the daze he had been in ever since he found himself a guest at the Kuchiki Mansion, wearing a borrowed silk yukata and feeling completely out of place. A cup of tea was nestled between his palms, nearly forgotten as he wracked his brain for a way to escape this mess.

Rukia just rolled her eyes, sipping on her own warm cup. "Ni-sama had the room connected to his prepared for you."

"Wait, what?" Renji could feel panic rising again, the tea nearly falling from his fingers. A room directly connected to Byakuya's? "Why can't I jus' have a normal room?"

"We were told to keep a close eye on you," the small Kuchiki answered, crossing her arms and growing impatient.

"Then give me a room connected to yours. I mean. . ." Renji caught himself, "I don' wanna be a bother to Taichou."

"Yeah, well, that's the thing," Rukia replied, expression turning apologetic. "I'm not going to be in the Soul Society to watch over you, so Ni-sama agreed to be your caretaker instead."

The red-head's jaw dropped. This was unexpected.

Rukia sighed. "My brother cares, you know. He just doesn't show it very well." She tempted a soft smile, but grew more and more concerned the longer Renji continued to just stare at her with that shocked expression on his face.

_Close your mouth, idiot!_

The lieutenant's jaw snapped shut with a painful sounding clack as he continued to dig for some sort of solution. "But- but the division!" He could have smiled at his own brilliance, if he weren't so on edge from the way his day has been turning out. "We can't BOTH be on leave. Who's gonna run the squad?"

"I have already taken care of that."

Renji flinched.

"The third and fourth seats will take over the training regimen and see to it that all deskwork is attended to," Byakuya said, crossing the room and motioning to a servant to clear the table. "Anything that needs the attention of either you or myself shall be brought directly here. I have already cleared it with Sou-Taichou."

_Of course he's got it all figured out. _Renji frowned, accepting defeat and moving out of the way of the staff.

"Now, Abarai, your room has been prepared," the raven-haired captain turned softly on his heel, looking back for a brief moment to be sure that Renji understood that he was to follow. After, a sharp jab to the ribs from Rukia, he got the hint.

_I guess I'm gonna hafta tough it out, I mean, how bad could this be? _the tattooed shinigami thought to himself, pausing as he took small glances at the man in front of him. The way he walked as if he were simply floating above the ground. The way his dark hair swished from side to side, never a strand out of place. Even the way his thin fingers seemed to unconsciously curl into a slight fist every time they swung in a certain direction.

Suddenly, the crushing feeling that he had tried so hard to banish came back. The suffocation, the compression. Renji swallowed heavily, taking deep shaky breaths that he hoped came across as a reaction to the pain in his bandaged thighs.

_This is gonna be difficult,_ Renji frowned.

The lieutenant was so preoccupied that he never noticed when Byakuya slowed his pace to glance back at his subordinate, a look of concern clearly etched within his gunmetal eyes.


	3. Nightmares

**A/N: This is what I meant when I said that I had no clue how often I would be able to update. I'm sorry for everyone who has been waiting for the next chapter. It has been a trying few months for me. **

**More set up here, I think. I'll attempt to get the next chapter in before six months have passed. Thank you all for the wonderful reviews and being so patient! I promise this isn't going to turn into one of those fics that just dies off before it's finished.**

"Damn it, damn it damn it!" Renji seethed, tossing his Zanpakuto unceremoniously across the room, feeling a bit of satisfaction when he heard it clang to the floor.

"What the hell was that for?"

Grimacing, the redhead turned to acknowledge the petite shinigami standing in the doorway. "Rukia, how long have you been standin' there?"

"Long enough to watch a grown man throw a temper tantrum," Rukia rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, inviting herself into the room and plopping down on the floor. "Seriously, what _was _that? I don't think Zabimaru really appreciates getting thrown across the room."

"I think I'd know for sure if he would talk to me," Renji mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck and glaring at the offending sword.

His childhood friend simply raised a brow in question.

"I keep tryin' and I know he's there, but it's like there's cobwebs buildin' up in my head. The connection is just too. . ." Renji paused, searching for a word to describe the feeling. Coming up empty, he opted to sigh and sink down next to the small woman.

"That's. . . weird," Rukia offered. "Maybe, it's because of your injury?"

"I've suffered way worse injuries than this."

"That's not what I meant," she shook her head. "Our Zanpakuto's aren't connected to us through a physical plane. You know that. I think you're injuries are more mental than physical."

Sighing again, Renji looked away, not knowing how to reply to such an observation. Sensing his distress, Rukia decided it was time to change the subject.

"I actually came here to let you know that I'll be leaving in the morning. You better not sleep in!"

The tattooed shinigami groaned and Rukia tapped him in the knee with her foot, sticking her tongue out.

"I mean it. Anyway, see that door over there?"

Renji glanced in the direction she was pointing and gave a slight nod, knowing full well what was coming next.

"That's the door connected to Nii-sama's room. If you need anything, he'll usually be right there. If not, there's a sliding door through his room that leads directly to the garden. There's one in here too, but I think it got covered up by the storage in the corner."

The male shinigami nodded, barely listening to the information that Rukia was giving him. So, he really _was_ in a room directly connected to his captain's. There was nothing but a thin door separating him from the place where Byakuya slept. Sure, Renji had seen Byakuya sleep on their missions, but this was somehow different. He wondered if the dark haired noble still slept with the same alertness that he did in the field. Always ready to jump into action at a moment's notice.

The volatile lieutenant shook the daydream out of his head. _I feel like a creep._

"Well, I guess that's it," Rukia finished, jumping to her feet and stretching.

"Okay," Renji replied, hoping she didn't notice that he had stopped paying attention after she mentioned the sixth division captain. If she did, she said nothing and instead, headed for the door,

Hesitating at the exit, Rukia turned to stare her friend down with a worried expression that Renji had seen many times before. "Get some sleep, okay? You look like you really need it."

The redhead simply nodded, unable to find his voice for what felt like the thousandth time since he arrived at the Kuchiki Manor.

"Goodnight."

"G'night," Renji managed as Rukia closed the door behind her. He glanced briefly at the door connecting his room to the man that has been invading his thoughts for so long, before burying his face in his hands and letting himself fall onto his back.

"Fuck."

* * *

Byakuya rifled through the small stack of paperwork that he had brought home from the office. Even with the third and fourth seats taking care of most of it, there were still a few that needed either captain or lieutenant approval, and he had asked that they be delivered to the manor daily.

Settling down on his bed so that he may fill out these forms by candlelight, the noble soon found his mind wandering from the task at hand to a certain red-haired individual that he believed must already be asleep in the next room. Frowning, he placed the stack aside and leaned back against the pillows.

_Why would someone so strong do such a thing to himself? What on earth could Renji have been hiding from the world that was so painful?_

The questions raced through Byakuya's head, each one bringing a new level of concern for his subordinate. Eventually, the one question that he had tried to avoid came up, drawing an even deeper frown from the face of the Kuchiki noble.

_Am I even capable of giving Abarai the help that he needs?_

While it was true that Byakuya wanted to be there for Renji, he really had no clue _how_. Did Renji even want his help? Was this a wise decision?

Exhaling, the raven-haired man rubbed his temples to try and banish the distressed pressure building up around him. The extremely panicked pressure that seemed to be rising quickly.

_Wait. I know this pressure! _Byakuya thought as he jumped from his bed and swiftly ran to the door connecting his room to Renji's.

That was when the screaming began.

* * *

"Well, Renji, have you learned anything yet?"

Renji opened his eyes to nothingness and groaned. "So you're just gonna invade my dreams from now on?"

"Perhaps," a deep voice replied as the nue materialized in front of him. "You didn't answer my question. Have you learned anything?"

Renji sighed, "I don't know what you're talkin' about. Why do ya hafta be so cryptic?"

"I hope you're not really that stupid," the snake head chimed in, earning a fierce look from the baboon.

"Tell me, Renji, do you remember the nightmares you had as a child?"

"Yes," the shinigami answered, fixing Zabumaru with a distrusting stare.

"Let us see if we can recreate some of them, shall we?"

Renji had no time to question his Zanpakuto before the nue vanished and was replaced by his beloved captain. Confused, the dreaming lieutenant reached for the man, but Byakuya recoiled from his touch, hissing in pain as his arm caught fire. Panicked, Renji tried again to reach for the noble, but more fire sprung up on Byakuya's shoulder, on his hands, on his cloak. Soon the fire spread to the frightened shinigami, searing his flesh and allowing pain to well up inside him.

Renji screamed.

* * *

The screaming was deafening up close, but nothing was more suffocating than the thick reiatsu clogging Byakuya's nostrils. He had already tried multiple times to dampen the pressure with his own, but Renji was far too panicked and unpredictable. There was no way Byakuya could pull it back without hurting the shinigami connected to it.

Not used to such night terrors, the steel-eyed noble's main fear was already coming true. He had no idea how to help the screaming man he held in his custody.

"Nii-sama!" Byakuya looked up at the sound of Rukia's voice, biting back a sigh of relief. Rukia immediately ran to Renji's side and leaned in close to his ear, bring her hand up to run her fingers through his bright red tresses.

Byakuya quirked an eyebrow as the screaming slowly died down and the suffocating reiatsu began to dissipate. Through the ringing in his ears, he heard his adopted sister quietly sing the last few bars to a song that sounded oddly familiar.

"_Trust that we'll be just fine_

_Dear sweet love of mine_

_Of anything, this is true_

_I would die for you_"

The room felt unusually silent as the signing faded away and Rukia continued to run her fingers through Renji's hair. After a moment of quiet, Byakuya finally spoke.

"What exactly was that and should I assume that it will happen again?"

The short Kuchiki sighed, tearing her gaze away from the sleeping man to focus on her brother's question. "Renji used to have night terrors when we were living in the Rukongai. I don't know when or why they started, Inuzuri wasn't exactly the healthiest environment, but sometimes, they'd get bad." She paused, looking back at Renji with worry written across her face. "I couldn't sit through them anymore, and tried my best to help him calm down. Eventually, I found that this," she gestured to the hand still occupied with tendrils of red, "helped, but not always. It was an old woman that taught me the song.

"We wondered into her backyard, looking for something to eat, but she caught us and ended up letting us stay. Renji cried out in his sleep the very first night, and I couldn't calm him down. The old woman didn't panic, didn't get angry, she just picked him up, ran her fingers through his hair, and sang this old lullaby. . . I guess it still works."

Byakuya frowned, allowing a second to pass after Rukia had finished before speaking. "How long has it been since his last episode?"

"Since right after we left the Rukongai," the younger noble answered, tilting her head to the side in thought. "After he obtained Zabimaru, the nightmares disappeared completely."

"Why have they begun to manifest again?"

Rukia looked confused. "I have no idea. Maybe he's just going through a lot in his head, and it's starting to be too much?"

Byakuya nodded, accepting that answer, but there was one other thing that he felt needed to be addressed. "That song. I feel as if I have heard it before."

"It's just an old lullaby from Inuzuri. I've heard it sung countless times before, but never learned the words until the woman taught me."

"Yes," the male shinigami said, "I believe that I had heard Hisana humming it before, though I doubt she ever knew the words."

"I guess it would make sense that she had heard it, too."

"I would like you to teach it to me."

Rukia stilled, staring at her brother in awe. "Really? What for?"

Byakuya gestured to Renji's sleeping form. "If it is a necessary method for calming Abarai's nightmares, then I wish to learn it. I am, after all, in charge of his recovery."

"Okay," Rukia smiled warmly, "but maybe we should go somewhere where we won't wake up sleeping beauty."

* * *

Within Renji's head, the fire that had already consumed the image of the man he loved began to die down. The pain ebbed away and rancid smell of burning flesh disappeared completely.

Calm washed over him and he closed his eyes as the sound of a familiar song filled his ears. _I know this. I've felt this before. _

Zabimaru stood feet away, bowing his head in defeat before fading away to try again another night. Renji's troubles were far from over, but for now, he smiled as music filled him with warmth and he fell into a sound sleep.


End file.
